Hot N Cold

In case you are expecting to read something about the song “Hot N Cold” here is the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_N_Cold. In other words, this blog is not about how Katy Perry chose her costumes or why she chose to ride a bicycle when chasing the guy in the song. This post is about, well, read on.

Relativity applies to physics, not ethics” – Albert Einstein. Not that I consider myself wise enough to debate Einstein’s view, but I really don’t think ethics is not relative. In general everything is relative, in my opinion. Now, this is not some theory I made up sitting at home with nothing to do but ponder upon life. I am too sleepy for that kind of thought process. It was something I learned the hardest possible way, through physical agony, psychological defeat and wet eyes.

It was a sunny day and the plan was to go around the city with my cousins on motor bikes. They had some things to do across the city and I had nothing to do at home.

Just before we started,

Cousin 1: “It is too hot and humid today.”

Me:”Hey, common. Don’t be that tender. I have lived in far humid places and never felt a thing.”

Cousin 2: “Yeah, try not to change your opinion by this evening.”

Me: Silly boy! See for yourself

Two hours later:

I was soaked from head to toe in sweat. My cousin was not to miss the chance and he retorted, “Everything is relative. You may be used to humid places but it only means that it takes a little longer for you to feel tired under the sun.”

It was time for lunch and we decided to eat at a place that was pretty much nondescript. All of us ordered fried rice. Just when the waiter was about to leave, we all shouted after him, extra spicy. We were all pretty sure we could handle spices and that this was not relative but absolute. My cousin told me that every rule had an exception and that everything was not relative. We all could eat up practically anything no matter how spicy it was. We were all men, you see.

We started eating the fried rice and soon after the third spoonful of rice I ordered the good old coca cola. It was unbearably spicy but I did not show it on my face (Ever heard of ego?). I had to find a solution and hence I ordered coke. A while later we all had finished half a bottle of coca cola each. On the other hand only a third of the rice was gone. We did not talk any more. We were staring at each other and I could see their ears go red. Yet no one spoke a word. We did not admit it was damn HOT!

Napkins were fast moving commodities on our table too. My eyes and nose leaked water with the heat. My throat was confused with the hot rice and cold coke. A gulp of the damn spicy rice and 50 ml of ice cold coca cola was making my throat go numb. My stomach made noises as it was screaming at me stop.

One of my cousins was almost crying and the other one was already half into his second bottle of coca cola. The waiter had to restock the napkins and water frequently. We could not keep our mouths closed. To dissipate the heat we all had our mouths open. We were all rolling our eyes frequently and looked as if we were about to die. Yet we did not complain about how spicy or hot it was.

Afraid he might have to deal with dead meat in a vegetarian restaurant, the owner came to our table and placed a bowl full of sugar on our table. We forgot the whole world around us and fought like serial killers for the sugar and devoured it. Once our mouths, throats and stomachs got what they needed we looked at each other and our tears gave away all the words that we had not spoken. We went mad with relief from the sugar and we started laughing looking at each other like nobody existed around us. We fell off the chairs and literally laughed rolling on the floor, partly out of relief and partly at our stupidity.

After a while we realized that everybody in the room was looking at us and we just ate up some more sugar, paid the bill and fled the place. On our way back, we all decided that we finally found a rule that had no exception. “Everything is relative.”

I know I might be wrong in saying that everything is relative, but after what happened my brain refuses to change that opinion. With all due respect, Mr. Einstein, you are so wrong!

Two Minutes

Managing course work, working part time, living in makeshift homes, skipping breakfast and hanging out with friends are the things one would think of when referring to student life. Although these are the primary ingredients of a student’s life, it is not just limited to these. For instance, staying awake until 3:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. every night (or should I say morning?) is one other aspect that is so obvious and yet misses the list.

It was one such night and I was trying to study something I would rather not get into the details of (I don’t want to write a book, I am happy with just a blog). I was studying with two of my buddies and we were sweating it out for three straight hours. We had dinner that night before we started studying and yet found ourselves starving. Thinking about it now, it was probably an escape mechanism generated sub consciously as we were not able to understand a thing.

Whatever the reasons, we decided we had to eat and I rummaged through the refrigerator for food but in vain. Just three hours back we had devoured almost everything that was edible! Just when I thought my escape mechanism had failed miserably my friend found three eggs, to our delight and misery. I say delight because he found something to eat and misery because, well each of us were capable of eating at least thrice the amount of food we had found.

Something, they say is better than nothing and we began making omelets. My friend unable to stand the starvation went first and in haste he tried making an omelet with the burner at its highest and ended up making charcoal out of it. My other buddy went next and this time he had turned the burner down and yet managed to make charcoal. It was because he did not wait long enough for the pan to cool down. Anyway I went next and mysteriously instead of an omelet what I made was a rock solid tasteless piece of $#!@. It was so hard that we could not break it into three so we could eat. Anyway, the three eggs ended up in the trash and our faces were as burnt as the omelets with disgust and hunger.

I knew all along that I was bad at cooking but I could not believe I was so bad. People usually give up after failures but I was more determined than ever to cook something to eat. Or am I giving myself undue credit? Yeah, it was just that I was so hungry that I had to eat something or die! I chose the former. Fortune, it is said, favors the brave. I was brave enough to cook something and luckily I found good old noodles. On it was written what made noodles so famous: “Two Minutes”. And I thought I was the luckiest guy on earth.

I did not want my friends to spoil the simple noodles, so I told them I would cook and I did not want them in the kitchen. Reading cooking instructions was extremely silly, in my opinion. I mean how difficult can it be. Definitely not as much as what I was studying. So I just started cooking intuitively and I was done not with noodles, which I had intended to do in the first place but with noodle soup/paste/pulp which killed our appetite even before we tasted it because I had used at least five times more water than what was necessary. It turned to be a pulpy fluid which made you throw up if you looked at it for more than 10 seconds.

That is not the worst part of the story yet. I know you might find this hard to believe but the whole procedure took me 30 minutes. I was considering suing the company for falsely stating that all it took was two minutes but my friend told me it had the general public in mind when it said that and not retards who did not know how to read the instructions.

I did not go back to study that night and I went to bed because I knew what my friends would have me read first. So there is one more thing about student life that does not make it to the list: “bad cooking”. But people miss it intentionally as it is kind of embarrassing. Although people miss it, that is the first thing that comes to my mind when talking about student life. Unforgettable! I must say.

A Tragedy of Errors Part 2

Learning from mistakes is the hallmark of a successful man. I cannot call myself successful yet but I have the drive to be one some day. After my extraordinarily bad interview at the library I got another interview call and this time as you might have guessed I became the personification of thoroughness.

This interview was for an engineering job that required some expertise in Engineering drawing. And if you think I am good at drawing you cannot be more wrong. Come on! If I was that good at drawing I would have become a Doctor and be happy to draw the human brain. Well, I attempted to draw the human brain in my tenth grade and I could see the brains of my Science teacher through her dilated pupils when she looked at what I drew.

Whatever, I was happy that I got the call and this time I was at the building twenty minutes early. I was no more the cool and composed guy. This time I was Mr. Impeccable.

Me: I have an appointment for an interview. This time I did not dare to tell the receptionist the name of my interviewer. Like I said I learn from my mistakes.

Two minutes later I was sitting with this guy who wore a polo shirt and jeans making us look like the MAC and PC guys facing each other. So much for my excessive care in dressing formally!

Interviewer: Do you play any games?

Me: Calculating the implicit meaning of the question. Yes, so this guy wants to know about how I do in a team. All my life chess is the only thing I played. But that is not team work. So let me say football. But what if he asks me something about the game. I’ll be clueless and he’ll call my bluff. Alright he does not seem like a cricket guy so that is it. Of Course, I play cricket all the time.

Interviewer: Wow! Do you know Pradeep?

Me: Check! I need to buy some time here. Sorry?

Interviewer: Pradeep kumar.

Me: I think so, he is this new guy in the Indian cricket team, isn’t he?

Interviewer: OH MY GOD! He is the engineer I hired last month. I did not know he plays international cricket. He told me he plays cricket with friends in the University on the weekends and that is why I asked you.

Me: Checkmate! Oh! That was very modest of him.

Interviewer: I can’t believe this. Would you like to meet him?

Me: Presenting, cover up of the millennium! Actually, Pradeep is a very common name back in India. So they may be different guys.

Interviewer: Oh! That is what I thought. Because, this guy doesn’t look as agile as an international athlete. Anyway, I don’t want to waste your time anymore, (Here is how I interpreted this: I can see you are lying idiot. I don’t want to waste my time anymore on you.) just draw me this structure using AutoCAD on this system right here and you are ready to go.( Let me see how you can manage this time you moron. )

Me: Sure. (Except I have never looked at mouse like this before and you imagine I can draw a structure with this on the computer.)

Well the mouse was circular and it looked extremely weird. Twenty minutes later.....

Me: So……… I am done with the structure and I saved it on the desktop. Is that it? (Or are you going to call 911 and report fraud?)

Interviewer: That is it. I’ll take a look at it and give you a call sometime this Friday.

Well, at least 30 Fridays have passed by since this happened and I am yet to hear from him. It is not the job I am concerned about. If I could send the brains of my Science teacher reeling in my tenth grade, I did not want to imagine what my interviewer did to his building after looking at what I drew.

Sadly, last week, I read in the paper that the particular building I was interviewed at was being remodeled. I just like to believe that I am not responsible.

A Tragedy of Errors - Part 1

Dressing up in formals is not something you would enjoy if you are not used to it and that is one of the primary reasons I wanted to get selected for this job. It was the fear of having to dress formally for another interview sometime later that motivated me to get through this interview more than anything else.

Going by history, it was extremely difficult to get an interview call for this job, but once you get the call it means you will get the job. It was a library job, so the questions were kind of predictable and one does not have to be an expert in anything to get the job.

I have always been a very cool and composed guy, even under extreme pressure. This was my forte at least until this interview happened. I was so relaxed about this whole interview that I showed up 5 minutes late. If you really cared about getting a job and for some reason are late for the interview, you at least apologize and come up with a good reason or a punch line like Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happiness“.

But me being Mr. Cool, I did not think it was that big a deal. So I go up to this lady sitting in the front desk and talk to her coolly “I have an appointment with Ms. Mickey”.

The Lady: “Oh! I thought you won’t show up and by the way, I am not Mickey, I am Mckenny”.

Me: Already wondering what shirt to wear for my next interview, nice to meet you Ms. Mckenny.

Ms. Mckenny: Please take a seat.

And we got started. She started explaining what was expected from me. This went on for about a minute and then she was talking about how fascinating the library was. And I could no longer hold my disease like phenomenon which I call the ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Every student in my opinion has this problem. It is a result of being institutionalized by the class room lectures. I cannot listen to any body for more than two minutes continuously. Well, like I said the class rooms trained me that way.

So now my goal was to remember to nod my head in approval every 15 seconds. Unfortunately for me the combination of this rocking motion of the head and her voice which resembled the PDF book reader was too tempting to resist a yawn. She stopped mid sentence and looked at me astonished and it was only then I realized I had been yawning.

The best way to save my day was to intelligently complete the sentence she had stopped. But remember ADD, it did not let me do that. I was not following what she was saying and I just sat there looking at her as if yawning was just normal and I waited for her to continue. But, by now she had lost her patience, so much for the talk about how patient she was expecting me to be when dealing with customers, just a while before.

To say the least, I was impressed by the way she composed herself quickly. She just told me that the interview was over very politely. And I left with a grin on my face as if I had become the chief librarian, but inside I knew I had lost and that is why I did not care to ask her when I would know the result of the interview. And thus, I achieved the honor of becoming the first guy to fail the library interview.

Putt-Putt

I am not talking bird language or for that matter abusing in an ancient tongue. ”Putt-Putt” is the name of a game. It is the name given to miniature golf where there are 18 holes to be conquered. Each course is not more than 10 feet and you play it delicately by putting the ball to the hole and hence the name putt-putt.

We were four friends seeking ways to spend the evening. Of course, we could have gone to a movie, where we look at accomplished people performing, or just spend time in a park leisurely talking our evening through. But no, all my friends raised the bar and they themselves wanted to perform and so it was putt-putt. One friend of mine had experience in this form of the game and another played serious golf too. The third friend had not played any sport leave alone putt-putt in a very long time. As for myself, I like to read about great people and once or twice I read about the great Tiger Woods and that was all I knew about golf.

Friend 1 who is the seasonal golfer explained us the rules. We all had five chances each to putt the ball to the hole. I asked him what if we could not do it five chances and he replied that in that case the player moves to the next hole avoiding further embarrassment. Oh! If it is going to be that embarrassing, I am not going to take more than 4 chances.

I looked at the green courses and I thought it was a silly game. Come on! How hard is it going to be, just ten feet and five chances. Oh! Man! If I had known this before I would have given Mr. Woods some serious competition. The first couple of holes went well, and we were all more or less equal. But slowly, the courses became more tortuous and there were more obstacles near the holes.

It started getting so bad that in one case I could not find the damn hole! I felt sorry for myself and I realized that I have taken the gift of vision for granted all these years. But not anymore, I was guessing that it starts with night blindness as in my case and slowly develops. But hey! I finally found it to my relief. Now, what are the chances that you can putt the ball in a hole, you have so much trouble spotting with your naked eye? None!

So, it was no more about putting the ball, it was about spotting the hidden hole for me. I was giving excuses like it was my first time and hence there was nothing to laugh about. But they did not buy it as the friend who had not played any sport for a long time kept putting magically. Well, as for the fun, they were all having it and it was extremely painful for me to keep moving from hole to hole because I could no longer do it in five chances.

Finally, all the holes were done, and to all our shock, our friend who kept away from sports had won. So, I had no excuses whatsoever for finishing at the bottom. My happy evening was an utter disaster but then I got a chance to redeem myself. But this time, I was wise and I just said no thanks!

Next in line was softball. No, don’t let the name fool you. You stand in front of a machine that throws so called “soft balls” at you. As you must have guessed it there is a twist in the tale, otherwise why would I write about it? The twist is that the balls came at a break- neck speed of 90mph. This time, I resigned even before I started. If I could not play the simple putt-putt, I had no reason not to believe, I would end up with a broken neck if I played this game. And trust me, it was a lot more fun to watch from the sidelines than be a part of it.

Finally I learnt my lesson: Nothing like laying back and watching movies for a good evening.

From Dog To Goat

On the third day after I landed, I spent the whole afternoon walking around the university and exploring every bit of it. I did not dare to explore the university earlier because I needed some time to recover not form jet lag but from you- know-what (read previous post).

I could have continued wandering around, but I was sure I was already looking like a dog tired and gasping for breath. I was so hungry that the moment I saw a place that looked like a fast food eatery I went right inside and up to the counter without caring to think what I was going to order.

Now, when you are in completely different country, the food is also going to be completely different. So it usually takes time for one to get used to it. But for vegetarians, there is no getting used to it, ever!

“How may I help you?” The lady asked me.

I was still looking around at the people who were eating hoping for clues. Everybody was eating some kind of sandwich or burger. So I went ahead and asked her “Can I get a vegetarian burger?”

The lady: Excuse me sir?

Me: A vegetarian burger, please.

The lady: I’m sorry but we don’t have anything like that.

Me: You don’t have a veggie burger?


The lady: You mean a burger with VEGETABLES?? (Nobody ever looked at me with such disgust all my life)

Now, I have heard of animal rights activists and animal lovers. But plant lovers, no. She was the only lady at the counter and everybody was eating some kind of meat. So, if she could happily give them all the meat they wanted I did not understand why she had so much trouble giving me a veggie burger. Was she so fond of plants and yet had no problem with frying chunks of meat? I had no idea and I was dying with hunger. Just when I thought I was going to starve to death, I saw a board behind her that said “Cheese burger + Fries”.

Me: (Not wasting a second) Well, I’ll go for cheese burger and fries.

The lady: Okay.

So she takes the bread and puts all kinds of vegetables on it. So I realized that she was not a plant lover or should I say a plant saver. It was just that I was asking for something that was not on their menu. Anyway, I was getting what I wanted. That was what I thought until I saw a big brown, circular and striped piece of food being taken off the grill. I asked her what that was, with all the innocence in the whole world hoping not to hear the one word that she said. “BEEF!”. To this day I do not know what part of the word cheese means meat.

Me: Oh! No, please. Thank you, but no. I’ll have the burger just like that.

She: (With that disgusting look on her face again) you want it with just the vegetables?

Me: (without worrying about the look on her face, the least bit) YES!

She said fine and she was about to get some fries when I just grabbed the burger and asked her how much I had to pay. She was reminding me the fries and I almost pleaded with her to just let me go with the burger, because I was afraid those fries would be some kind meat fries instead of the simple good old potato fries.

I finally sat down and took a bite of my burger. And now, I felt like a goat! Because all I could taste was leaves. Now, I realized what all her expressions meant. For the first time in my life I was sad about being a vegetarian. But I was so hungry that I did not mind being a goat. So I just went on…..Chheww, chhoww, chheww, chhoww……..

The Eventful Flight

Until that point in my life there were very few moments when I was hyper active at 2a.m. I had left behind my family and was for the first time going to be away from them for a long time. I know you would expect me to be sad about it. But, hell no, I was all excited about my first flight ever! It was my first flight because I prefer not to consider the 50 minute domestic flight I took along with my family when I was 12. Anyway, I was comfortably sitting in an aisle seat waiting for the plane to take off and exploring the interiors of the flight.

I was stretching my neck to get a glimpse of the air hostesses who were talking among themselves behind the curtains. As if that wasn’t inconvenient enough, the lights were turned off because at 2a.m. the world usually sleeps. I turned my neck, well I had to turn it or break it and so I chose the former, and bingo there she was sitting right next to me and looking at me with a glitter in her eyes which no air hostess would have matched. I smiled at her and she returned it courteously. I looked away because if I talked to her right off she would not have maintained her interest in me.

I dreamt on for some time about her, or should I say about US. Both of us would go to the same university, become friends, fall in love, get good jobs, get married and have kids. I looked again at her. Oh no, that was the objective but she had buried herself under the blankets. She fell asleep I assumed, or was my smile so scary that she hid herself in those blankets? So much for the dream.

I woke up in the morning and the journey continued without much ado. About that girl, well I kept my distance because I did not want to scare her again. I changed flights and parted ways with her. To get to my connecting flight I had to walk so much in the airport that I felt like I was walking all across the continent. The whole point of flight travel seemed to be lost. Well they make you pay exorbitant prices and make you walk almost all the way to your destination.

I finally came to this airport after another boring flight. Again I had to walk miles to get to my connecting flight, only this time, to make things more exciting I was lost! I wandered the airport so much that they would have arrested me because I was sure I went back and forth their CCTVs a dozen times. So I gave up and went to this security guard for help. She took my boarding pass and told me “ Walk down the stairs on your right, go straight, take a left, keep walking and take the last right. Board the train that you will find there in five minutes.”

Me: “But officer I have the flight ticket, why do you want me to take a train”.

Officer: Laughing out loud……so much that everybody started looking in my direction. “Well the train will get you to the terminal not your destination”.

Everybody around realized what had happened and before I could see them roll on the floor and laugh I ran away. But the officer was still shouting “You don’t have to run you still have five more minutes”.

Me: Not slowing down the least bit….. “THANK YOU” but please leave me alone.